let’s discuss
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If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
why no one uses midhusbands
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse