(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
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Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
British people be like I’m Bri ish