*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
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The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”