Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
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[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS