I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
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If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
drew a comic about my origin story
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts