Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
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I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
My favorite farside!!
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Tuesday
🤣could you imagine
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?