Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
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Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Somebody’s lying.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
I’m not wrong
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Yes my dude
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend