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Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I鈥檝e hired her as my personal assistant
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine鈥檚 Day when we鈥檝e been trapped together for months??
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
I believe this with my whole heart 馃拃馃
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What鈥檚 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Our cat is an opera when she鈥檚 hungry
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend鈥檚 nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn鈥檛 matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.