I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
You Might Also Like
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here