Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
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Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?