Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
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I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby