Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
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He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
If you want my opinion ask my wife
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Never forget.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
accurate
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?