I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
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“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Got him!
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.