Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
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[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.