A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
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If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Last-minute gift idea!
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?