Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
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Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade