About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
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Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
waiting for halloween be like:
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.