My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
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‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
New Tinder profile.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”