a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
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Me, in DM rooms…
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
My first child will be named New Folder.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.