My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
You Might Also Like
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
The first matador
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.