Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
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My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.