I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
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[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
#growingpains
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
another case of gang violins
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.