My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
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“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
I can’t stop watching this.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
He’s cranky this morning
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Lassie, get help!
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”