[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
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Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Clients after you give them your rates
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
I’m aging like a fine banana
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.