judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
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Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.