You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
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So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”