When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
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KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.