I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
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Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.