If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
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Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times