Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
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Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
yes yes a thousand times yes!
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
San Francisco has too many rules
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Girl, same.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks