Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
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Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
I am never leaving this website
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.