My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
You Might Also Like
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum