Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
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*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down