Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
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My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
I put the p in pants.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Yup….perfect score!
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.