The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
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My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Social Media and Real life
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
“you recording!?”
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.