Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
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Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.