When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
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stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Match dot com, but for socks.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?