I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
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Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.