Storm Tropical Storm
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“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.