media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
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OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!