X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
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Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.