The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
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Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start