BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
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*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Dear Lord..
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up