I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
You Might Also Like
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.