I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
You Might Also Like
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.