What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
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Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Lmfaoooooo
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.