HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
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I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that