Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
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*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
I’m about to risk it all
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Smallpox sounds so adorable
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.