wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
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Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
Damn he played himself
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed