Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
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Alexa; make it look like an accident
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
i choose….tongue
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.